“Most of our tensions and frustrations stem from compulsive needs to act the role of someone we are not”

János (Hans) Selye, M.D., The Stress of Life

Have you ever noticed how much time you spend editing, filtering and censoring yourself? Sometimes it’s necessary to choose the right time and way to express yourself. And sometimes it’s necessary to make consciously chosen compromises. 

But what if editing, filtering, and censoring yourself has become habitual, and to your detriment? What if it’s happening automatically, and you don’t recognise it?

All you might know is: you feel unhappy with life, you’re exhausted, and you’ve lost your spark, or but you don’t know why. 

One of my biggest realisations as part of burning out, was that I was living according to my perception of other people’s wants and needs.  I’d spent a life time of living to please others, with a subconscious motivation of needing approval and validation. It ended up being to the detriment of my true self-expression and my health.

What was labelled as a mid-life crisis by my GP, was in fact the biggest wake-up call of my life.

We do not become someone we’re not overnight

We make micro-adaptations as a result of experiences that tell us “this part of you / behaviour / expression is not acceptable. In order to be accepted and loved, you must be or behave differently.”

In Chapter 7 of Dr Gabor Mate’s book The Myth of Normal, he sums it up perfectly with the chapter title: Attachment vs. Authenticity.  In our early years, when faced with a choice that could mean a threat to connection with our attachment figure, we will always supress authenticity, in favour of attachment. It is necessary for survival at that young age.  We will do anything to remain connected, and to avoid the crippling experience of rejection, and feelings of shame for who we are.

(If you’re wondering what is meant by ‘attachment’, you can read more about this in last month’s blog post “why you over give in relationships” https://carlithorpe.com/blog/b/why-you-over-give-in-relationships).

What do adaptations look like?

It depends on the judgments and criticism each person has received, combined with the consequences, and their perception of the experience. For me, it looked like:

• Hiding my highly sensitive nature, in response to being repeatedly told ‘you’re too sensitive’

• Learning to repress my ‘negative’ emotions, especially anger – the expression of which was punished

• Repressing the need to assert myself and my boundaries, because they would be shut down anyway

• Becoming compliant to anyone deemed an authority figure, because I’d learned I must obey authority

• Being accommodating and excessively nice to each new partner my mother introduced, even if I was overwhelmed

• Having to hug adults on demand, because I was shamed as rude if I didn’t

• Not speaking up when I felt hurt or mistreated, because it was met with defensiveness and denial (or a label of being too sensitive)

These adaptations unconsciously carried through into my adult life and relationships, until my body could no longer cope with the silent, but chronic stress it was under.

Can you think of your own examples?

Living with a critical parent

If you’ve read my previous blogs, or my chapter of the book There She Glows Volume III, you’ll know my childhood home was dysfunctional.

My mother was in survival mode, and part of that was for her to be judgmental and critical.  Everything had to be done with precision, and her volatility meant you never knew what her reaction was going to be.  As an adult, I can see this criticism towards others was a mirror of the criticism towards herself, and her sometimes spiteful and cruel punishments were an expression of her pain, and loss of control. It wasn’t personal, but I didn’t know that then.

As a child it’s not possible to understand an adults behaviour, and therefore, we might internalise the belief that we’ll always be judged and criticized by others (welcome perfectionism). If we don’t behave as required, we risk the consequences of lost connection, shame and humiliation, especially in the case of a parent who administers harsh punishments and uses violent communication.

I came to believe the parts of me that were unacceptable to her, were also unacceptable to the world, and I must therefore hide them at all costs. 

No one wakes up in the morning and decides they’ll stuff down their sensitivity, repress self-expression or internalise anger, and instead go out into the world with a happy face, pretending to be someone else.

These habits of repression and suppression develop over time, as coping mechanisms, and as  adaptations to preserve attachment (be lovable).

The long term impact

The long term impact of this on the body is not widely recognised yet.

Chronic stress becomes the norm, until such time you have a wake-up call.  For years, this self-suppression resulted in my being medicated for depression and eventually resulted in a full-scale burnout. 

What would have developed next if I had continued to ignore the wake-up call?

Depression and burnout are not the only impacts this kind of long-term stress has.   Research is ongoing, and findings show a prominence of self-suppression and/repression among people with many kinds of illness, including cancer, auto-immune disease, skin conditions, migraines, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, endometriosis and others – this particular information was taken from Dr Gabor Mate’s writings, but there is so much more literature out there, including Bessel Van Der Kolk - author of The Body Keeps the Score, the work of Dr Ryke Geerd Hamer -creator of German New Medicine, John Harris – author of Love your Disease it’s keeping you healthy, and Louise L Hay who wrote Heal Your Body.

In my own work with clients, coaching with energy & somatic trauma-informed techniques, to undo the kind of repressive patterns discussed here (which are the impacts and effects of trauma), they have reported improvements in symptoms of ulcerative colitis, psoriasis, irritable bowel syndrome and gynaecological issues.

How does healing happen?

It takes time to truly heal and reverse patterns that have developed over a life time.  In-depth coaching, study, inner enquiry, spiritual practice and re-parenting myself, have all been intrinsic parts of the journey.

In a recent journal entry, I wrote an affirmation, with an intention to unmask all the ways in which this was still playing out.  I share it with you now, so that, if you feel called, you can write it, say it out loud, and begin the journey home to your true self:

“I liberate and free myself from all micro adaptations made to my true self and my expression, as a result of any and all criticism, judgment and punishment made towards me. Anywhere and everywhere I have repressed and supressed my authentic self and expression, I let this go now.

I no longer filter and adapt myself in order to avoid rejection, judgment or be deemed acceptable by others, because I am acceptable and lovable just as I am. I simply allow myself to be and express the truth of who I am”

Are you looking to heal from the impacts and effects of trauma in your past? 

Is it time for you to return to your true self, and let go of people pleasing, perfection, and suppressing your true self? 

The coaching I offer might be just what you’re looking for. 

Book in for a free, no obligation discovery call and see how I can support you.